LeaV

Even though they are barely if at all read...my political blogs will only come more fast and furious as the United States Presidential election draws near.  So, here's the latest...

So, okay "New Yorker" magazine; perhaps your 'parody' of right-wing attacks against Sen. Obama's character is just pushing the envelope a little too far.  I appreciate humor.  I appreciate satire.  However, I'm not sure how many average Americans will actually pick up this magazine and read what the point of your cartoon illustration was, however noble and sympathetic to the unfair criticism Sen. Obama received.  I think most will just see this as a justification of the insinuations made regarding the Obamas.  Secondly, will there be a parody cover of Sen. McCain and his wife?  So, what do you think?  Read the New Yorker's reply here http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/07/14/obama-camp-slams-satirical-new-yorker-magazine-cover/.  Do you agree?  Or should the cover be pulled?

Well, here we go again Minnesota.  It is time to once again prove to the rest of the country that we are nothing but a bunch of hot-dish loving loons obsessively proud of how many lakes we’ve counted in our state and how many times we’ve visited and can talk about that big monstrosity referred to only as MOA.  What time is it you say?  Election time.  First of all, let me just say that I am fiercely loyal to this great state.  I’m not even a native Minnesotan and instead grew up in Milwaukee, Wisconsin; but, I love Minnesota.  I’ve gotten so used to being quiet and picking up after myself and not having a sense of humor.  I’ve gotten used to living in the state where absolutely nothing is allowed.  I have found myself saying, “Yeah.  Sure” one too many times.  I refer to trips into Minneapolis or St. Paul as “going into town.”  Huh?  Yup, the culture and ambiance that is Minnesota, so lovingly mocked in “Drop Dead Gorgeous,” and “Grumpy Old Men,” has permeated my essence to the core.  

So, around election time is when I really, really begin to worry about how my beloved state will portray itself to the rest of the country with regard to who we are putting into elected office.  I pray, please, Minnesota, please do not come off as the goofy state that elected a pro wrestler as governor.  What?  Yes…a pro wrestler; but don’t tell him that.  That beefy, air-headed, self-serving idiot has such thin skin, he’ll probably cry great big, old crocodile tears while he’s beating on you telling you he was much more than just a pro wrestler…(yeah, he was also in “Predator” with Gov. Ahnuld)  But, to be fair, Ex-Governor Ventura was also a mayor in Brooklyn Park, Minnesota. 

So, I wait with bated breath as the candidates for the 2008 senate race are announced and what happens?????  I sit back in awestruck wonder as I plan how I’m going to explain myself to friends outside of Minnesota when I realize that once again, Minnesota will be the laughing stock of the country.  Feast your eyes on the 2008 Minnesota senate candidates:

Our democratic entry into this mockery we call a senate race is Al Franken.  Al Franken was a comedian, and I use that term loosely.  He was on Saturday Night Live for quite a long time.  He’s done goofy movies (I do remember his bit part in “Trading Places”).  He also had the Al Franken Show on Air America Radio but left to run for senate.  I just think he’s bat shit crazy.  But despite that (and bat shit crazy might be a selling point for me to vote someone into office), and despite the fact that he spent mostly three decades as a professional comedian and may have said things not very becoming of a politician including rude and unfunny jokes about rape at an SNL staff meeting, or an article in Playboy magazine talking about a three-way with robots, and a less than appropriate comment about women in Afghanistan, we shouldn’t let that influence our decision of whether or not we will vote for him.  That shouldn’t phase you.  I really doubt that while Al Franken was on SNL or being a professional comedian or spouting off on his radio show, that he thought he’d better censor himself because he’d be running for a senate seat in Minnesota in 2008.  No, that doesn’t bother me.  It shouldn’t bother potential voters as well.  He was doing his “job” of being a comedian and not grooming himself to be a politician.  What does bother me, however, is that he is a liar and a cheat.  If you are running for office, and you were a comedian and said stuff resembling kind of, sort of comedy, fine; but if you are running for office and have made a habit of not paying your taxes or not filing required paperwork on your personal corporations in California, don’t blame your accountant and feign ignorance.  You know, if he would have just outright said, “I didn’t feel like paying them, because I wanted to keep all my money, and I was a greedy monkey,” I so would have voted for him.  Really, I would have.  But, being a snarky snake liar makes me think you’re just like all the other slick Willy shysters and none of your liberal, “for the people” rhetoric is believable AT ALL…It just comes off as ick.

This is our current Senator Norm Coleman.  Well, this was him in his radical hippie days.  Pretty cool, huh?  He looks like he was in a band and smoked lots of pot.  But, seriously, this is Sen. Coleman right now.

And, he is the incumbent.  He is the Republican entry in the senate race.  I think.  I hope he doesn’t change his mind and change parties again, because, he does that ya’ know.  Anyway, I still am reeling from the fact that Sen. Coleman capitalized on the untimely death of Sen. Paul Wellstone to take the senate seat in 2002.  Additionally, now I’m strictly following politics here, he has thrown down every right proposed for same-sex marriages and the rights and dignity of gays and lesbians; AND, he’s also against the legalization of marijuana.  What?  Jerk.  I have my priorities (legalize pot...then everything else, ya' hypocrite).  But, seriously, I’m not so sure about Sen. Coleman.  But, he did bring back pro hockey to Minnesota.  So, I guess that’s a plus, huh?

And, oh God just kill me now, perhaps our third nominee…

                                                                              Buy mah book!

Ex-Governor Goofball.  Ex-Governor Jesse Ventura.  He’d run as an independent.  He’d probably try to run on the “I’m Awesome,” ticket if he could.  Here’s ex-Governor Goofball’s logic, “"But if I do, rest assured, I will go out there with revolution on my mind, like my book says. I will be the biggest pain in the ass they have ever had on the Senate floor.” (Buy mah book!)  That is true, Jesse, you are a huge pain in the ass.  I shouldn’t really refer to him as Jesse, however, because  he was "offended" when Sen. Coleman referred to him as "Jesse" rather than "governor."

"I think people within the business should refer to me with the proper respect. The point is I was the governor, and I would expect them to give me the proper title."  (which would be ex-Governor Goofball, because that’s what EVERYONE in Minnesota calls you Jesse).

Now, ex-Governor Goofball apparently has been popping up in the media quite frequently as of late spouting off his brand of crazy to anyone who’ll listen including some wine magazine where he first started hinting at running for office.  He’s been on a tour promoting his new book (buy mah book!), and I guess since no one noticed or cared, he started rambling on about throwing his feather boa into the political ring.  Jesse apparently wants to start a revolution (and we shouldn’t start one without him.  Buy mah book!), and he’ll begin by starting it in his own backyard here in Minnesota. 

Jesse thinks that voters should be offered the choice of “none of the above” on election ballots.  Okay, idiot boy, let’s just say per adventure that everyone in the state chooses that option…or a percentage of Minnesotans choose that option so that “none of the above” wins an election.  Who runs that particular office then you big turd burger?  Do we take turns?  Do we have celebrity stand-ins?  What the hell is your point with “none of the above” on an election ballot.  God, body glitter has rotted his brain.

Jesse hates the press a lot, a lot, a lot which is why if he runs which he’s not telling us, but (buy mah book!) he has suggested term limits on…REPORTERS!  What?  Okay, listen you wing-nut, if you are an elected official, we, the general public, have a right to ask you to explain yourself and let us know what’s going on.  We have this little thing we call…”the news.”  There are these people who will go around and talk to people and then go back and either film it and put it on the magic box for us to see or for us fancy learnin’ types, will write it all down and put it in a newspaper for us to read.  Those people that do that are called …”reporters.”  You can’t limit their terms idiot.  It just doesn’t make sense to me at all.

Oh wait.  It gets better.

“If the people are lemmings and don't give a damn, why should I? You know, I got another life to lead. I don't have to do this. You know, that is the dilemma I face. Do I want to leave the life I am leading now to change it and go do this?"

First of all, don’t insult the people who may vote for you.  Second, I don’t give a damn either.  Lead your other life and please leave us alone.  Go chase kids off your lawn with your massive muscle-y arm guns and yell how you were a Navy Seal, only not really. 

I do believe here in the great state of Minnesota that we mean well.  We are intelligent in this state and cultured somewhat.  We’re more than just Prince (although you couldn’t pry that little purple talent ball out of this state with a crowbar.  He really, really loves it here.  He works here.  He lives here year round, and I swear to God not too long ago, he even had a garage sale at his purple mansion.  Trufax).  I just think that sometimes we get distracted by shiny things…

           Buy mah book Mr. T!

By pretty things…

Oh hai James Woods.  No?  Eric Roberts?  No?  Oh, hai Senator Coleman.

And by silly things…

     Seriously? 

So, start hurling your insults at us now. 

Sources Cited:

http://www.startribune.com/politics/national/senate/24195449.html?location_refer=Most%20Viewed:U.S.%20Senate

http://www.slate.com/id/2194926/

http://www.wilshireandwashington.com/2008/07/a-new-hurdle-fo.html

http://www.jsonline.com/watch/?watch=1&date=7/4/2008&id=42665

It's ironic, isn't it?  Please don't ever rationalize violence as a means for ANYTHING...I literally found out just minutes ago that my cousin's son is the 25-year-old man mentioned in the above referenced newspaper article...this is the 7th family member I've lost by this...Even more ironic, his father was also a victim of gang/gun violence...

I shall now discontinue reading all of the commentary rationalizing a certain pop star's reaction to being called a horrific name...I think I have the right to say...you're wrong.